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| Taming the Ox |
I live my life in widening
circles
that reach out across the
world.
I may not complete this last
one
but I give myself to
it.
I circle around God, around the
primordial tower.
I've been circling for thousands of
years
and I still don't know: am I a
falcon,
a storm, or a great
song?
Rilke’s Book of Hours:Love Poems to
God, translated by Anita Barrows and Joanna Macy
~ Ranier Maria Rilke ~
The Ox Herder finds himself but he finds himself wild and unruly. He still is unsure of who he is? He doesn't know who is in charge? He is caught in his conditions, whether they be good or bad, he is run around in circles by them. In modern terms, he conforms to what others want of him.
This particular picture is a big deal and it takes big effort and commitment. It is not acting but being It takes discipline, study, practice and continuous effort. It's not an intellectual pretense but a vital actualization in your own bag of skin. Embrace yourself.
In the martial arts it is known as "the way of dying" or "living as though you are already dead." Fearless! It's hard to pretend fearlessness, or even imitate it. It is NOT to gather up your courage and act as if you are fearless, that would be a pretense. Since "hate" is the root of fear it means uprooting hate through study and practice with your self.
It's not to pretend you are awake and repress your feelings or suppress your intentions, it is to reveal them again and again and again without fear of reprisal or rejection. Be transparent.
It requires intimate recognition of the wild, untamed and often unknown aspects of the self. Show up and grow up!
And finally it means to be. And to be requires leaping clear.
I'm starting to get an inkling of the enormous role feelings play in all of this. I'm uncomfortable not knowing who I am. A strong emotion arises and I think, "This must be a clue!" If the same emotion arises around a similar experience, I think, "Well there it is--that's who I am," --and I go around again.
ReplyDeleteThe baby mind jumps in and says, "But this thing that draws you on--the sense that you're not who you think you are--that's a feeling, too!" and I run out of words.
Thank you for teaching.
C
When you play, you play.
DeleteYou may after you play label it but
you are no longer playing then...
just musing about the past.
Play when you play.
Feel when you feel.
Eat when you eat.
Sleep when you sleep.
As I read the blog, emotions pop up and take me back to a suffering, disappointed child. I don't know at the exact age but somewhere around ten, I realized people suffered horribly. They suffered like the woman and baby in childbirth. They suffered in concentration camps. People suffered from abuse, neglect and perverse "love." I remember speaking to a nun and a priest about my feelings of overwhelm and helplessness. I wanted to know why god did nothing for those who suffered from starvation and war and inhumanity. They both gave me the same response, it was god's will.
ReplyDeleteIn my 10 year old's mind I knew I could never believe in a god that let people/animals/sentient beings suffer in such horrific ways. By the time I was 13, I was informed by the religious ones, that I "lacked faith."
I was rapidly learning how not to feel through greed,hate and delusion. I became a pro at not feeling. I couldn't bear the pain and suffering of others.
Later on in life, all my compartmentalization, strategies, etc caused me and the ones I loved to suffer. There was no escape...
The first time I read the four noble truths, I agreed intellectually but refused to feel. It has been a long circuit of returning to feeling the suffering of others and myself.
Many years ago Liz gave me the image of the armless mother watching her baby drowning in the river. At the time in my delusion I thought it would be better to just jump in and drown with the baby. Later I realized that it was just another way of refusing to feel my suffering and that of others.
Liz has told us to have confidence in ourselves that we can bear all. I believe that is the authority with which I can bear it.
I have tried everything else, it seems this is the place I should be now. Supported by this Sangha, this Dharma and this Teacher.
Toni
Keep going.
DeleteI loved connecting the Rilke poem and the Ox Herder pictures. Rilke's poem is so evocative of how we circle around and around trying to widen our circle of compassion and attempting to reach the divine for "thousands of years" and we still don't know who we are-such lovely metaphors--a falcon, a storm or a great song. I can identify with the ox herder picture for today too-struggling with my own cravings-for food, for love, for acceptance and struggling with my own hindrances- ill will or sloth or doubt is like struggling with a wild ox. I struggle to make myself sit at the appointed time no matter how tired or what the excuse I have cooked up for myself. It is a daily renunciation that creates the space needed for liberation-just being. So simple but not easy.
ReplyDeleteWriting seems to help you clarify.
DeleteYour use of haiku as a raft form may be fruitful
for you.
I often feel unsure of who I am. Most of the time I know I am not the one strapped to the wild bull, my former modus operandi....but it is not clear at all how to vitally actualize my own being. Deeply appreciating your road map, LIz: continuous effort, and showing up in my life without the stifling imperative of perfection---yet another manifestation of fear/hate. bows to all, Andrea
ReplyDeleteRest in uncertainty.
ReplyDelete